People may think of teenagers as self-centred, moody and rebellious individuals who rarely listen to their parents. This is a misleading picture. Of course, they can be like this, but most teenagers get on reasonably well with their parents for most of the time. It is true that stresses and strains in families often increase when children reach adolescence and arguments are common between parents and teenagers.

Parents almost always worry about their teenagers’ behaviour and are puzzled and exasperated by it. Don’t forget that teenagers have worries too. The physical, intellectual and emotional changes which occur give rise to new and confusing thoughts and feelings. Teenagers worry about many things - exams, employment, friendships – but mostly about themselves and how others see them. Teenagers are trying hard to work out their identity - who they are and who they want to be.

You could look at this search for identity as a journey of exploration. It will change your teenager and it will probably change you too. It will certainly affect you in all sorts of ways, some unexpected. Even the most well organised and settled family will experience stress during this time because stress is an inevitable consequence of change. You might also find your self- confidence being affected, particularly if you cannot understand your teenager.

Parents sometimes say:

“He treats this place like a hotel”

“She’s like a Jekyll and Hyde”   

“He doesn’t talk to us any more”

“He should study more and listen to music less”

“Sometimes I feel she hates me”

You might ask yourself how it is that teenagers can seem so grown up one minute and so childish the next? Is it normal for teenagers to spend so much time alone? Why do they contradict everything their parents say? You can answer these questions if you understand the changes and experiences which are common to all teenagers.

The main challenge in moving from childhood to young adulthood is forming a stable and secure identity. To be successful in this they must look at the world differently, leave some of their childhood ideas behind and realise that the world and the people in it are less perfect and more complicated than they once thought.

One of the most important things a teenager needs to do is experiment with new ideas, feelings and behaviours. They do this in many ways, including new hairstyles and friendships, for example. Your teenager may become quieter and have a greater need for privacy.

It is important that your teenager tests out his or her own ideas, values and ways of behaving. Sometimes these will be similar to yours, but not always, so arguments and disagreements can often occur. Remember that your teenager is practising new ways of thinking and exploring new ways of behaving. An important challenge that your teenager must face up to is to gradually separate from you and learn to be more independent. In our society, this is a long drawn out process. Teenagers loosen ties with their parents by relying on their friends more, and by challenging parental values. They seem to be saying “I don’t need you so much now. I’ve got my own ideas. I can look after myself”.

These changes don’t happen smoothly and they can be complicated by big life events such as illness, divorce or moving house. The most important factor in helping these changes though, is your own response to your teenager’s behaviour.

It may help to remember that your teenager probably has mixed feelings about growing up. They may be both excited and a little frightened by it. That’s why they can appear so grown up and then suddenly childish. It’s as if, having taken a step forward towards adulthood they find it scary. Then, to feel safe again they take a step back to a safer place and return to childhood ways. Much of the puzzling behaviour of teenagers can be explained in this way. When things get too much and your teenager feels afraid, self-conscious or ashamed, they might deny these feelings or become moody and withdrawn. They might even blame you for the way they feel. This is a quite usual way to deal with unpleasant, uncomfortable feelings. Teenagers do this a lot and it is not a problem unless carried to extremes and shows no sign of change.

Just as your teenager has mixed feelings about growing up, you might have similar feelings. Part of you wants to see them mature, but another part has fond memories of their childhood. For both teenagers and parents, leaving childhood behind can be experienced as a real loss.

The job of parenting and the uncertainty surrounding it is not made any easier by pressures from outside. Teenagers are pressurised by advertisers to buy their products, with the underlying message that if you don’t buy, you won’t be liked. With so many different kinds of family and lifestyle  in our society, and with different expectations and rules, it can be difficult to be firm, or even to be sure of the right thing to do.

For a minority of teenagers, forming a stable identity is a serious problem. Some develop negative images of themselves, which are acted out through misuse of drugs, alcohol or sex. If so, you should think seriously about asking for professional help.

Remember that most teenagers challenge their parents by their puzzling and difficult behaviour, as perhaps you did at the same age. Despite this, most of them grow into well-adjusted, normal adults. The more you understand teenagers and your responses to them, the less you will worry. The less you worry, the more you will enjoy each others’ company.

More help:

Child & Adolescent Mental Health Service (CAMHS)

Educational Psychology Service

Call Parentline Plus: 0808 800 2222